1
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,670
Wake up! Wake up!
Sergeant, wake that man up.

2
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,089
Constable, liven that man
up with your truncheon.

3
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:15,425
Get his feet moving!

4
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,598
Remember, you're electricity
man to the whole nation.

5
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,464
Rubber? Rubber?

6
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:21,992
(KNOCKlNG)

7
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,160
Eh?

8
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,830
(MUTTERlNG)

9
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,916
(KNOCKlNG)

10
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,710
Yes. Coming, coming, coming!

11
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:38,592
Good evening. I mean
that most sincerely.

12
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,221
- I am the BBC, as you can see.
- Oh!

13
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,181
And here was the last news.

14
00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:54,900
On this, the third, or is
it the fourth anniversary

15
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,276
of the nuclear misunderstanding

16
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:59,613
which led to the Third
World War, here is the...

17
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,783
Oh, sod!

18
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,037
Here is the...

19
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:13,293
of the Third World War, here
is the last recorded statement

20
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,754
of the Prime Minister,
as he then was,

21
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,299
who had just succeeded
his illustrious father into office.

22
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,470
"I feel I am not boasting
when I remind you that this was,

23
00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:27,474
"without a shadow of a doubt, the
very shortest war in living memory.

24
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:31,561
"Two minutes, 28 seconds, up
to and including the grave process

25
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,772
"of signing the peace
treaty fully blotted.

26
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,276
"The great task of
burying our 40 million dead

27
00:04:37,318 --> 00:04:41,113
"was also carried out with
great expediency and good will.

28
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,993
"You know this great country of
ours often sticks in the mud of past,

29
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:49,621
"searches out and holds up to
the light the mistakes of past times."

30
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:53,166
That man! Damn
him! Haig the Butcher.

31
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,253
I shall tell the
world. Look at that!

32
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:59,673
Another chap
butchered. Oh, the horror!

33
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:02,259
Oh, the horror! I can't look!

34
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,679
"We eat our hearts out
with the canker of racialism

35
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:07,306
"and death east of Suez.

36
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:12,436
"But I am forced to ask,
have we forgotten the bomb?"

37
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,106
The Prime Minister
had, as you all know,

38
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:20,193
just returned from the 449th
Disarmament Conference

39
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:25,032
and was greeted on the steps
of Number 10 by Mao Tse-tung.

40
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,535
The Chairman has
invited me kindly in.

41
00:05:28,619 --> 00:05:30,370
I can't say very
much at the moment,

42
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,957
but there will be some pretty
hard bargaining, you may be sure.

43
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:37,210
That's all. Thank you very
much, gentlemen, thank you.

44
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,298
Ah, Lord Fortnum.
BBC Television.

45
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,342
Off the cuff, while we're
waiting for a statement,

46
00:05:43,366 --> 00:05:45,177
I like your hat, I do.

47
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:46,887
Do you? Do you say that?

48
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,890
I tell you, it's the
latest early warning hat.

49
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:52,142
It gives you that extra
four minutes in bed.

50
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:55,228
I never wore a hat in bed, I've been
a Catholic person for a long time now,

51
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,898
and I wouldn't know where
to begin. Is this your car, sir?

52
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,067
It is, I acquired it
from Lord Snowdon.

53
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,569
- Not the Lord Snowdon?
- No, a Lord Snowdon.

54
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,655
Ah, yes, the woods are
full of them. Goodbye, sir.

55
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,744
Said that very well, didn't he?

56
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,084
The Prime Minister...

57
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,752
The Prime Minister
is coming out.

58
00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:23,590
- Prime Minister, can you say...
- Yes, I can say.

59
00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:25,717
I can say without any
fear of contradiction,

60
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,179
after some pretty tough
bargaining, I can say,

61
00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:33,600
we have finally fixed the rent of
Number 10 at an undisclosed figure

62
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:38,105
of 100 yen pounds per week.

63
00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:42,109
This lease means
peace in our time.

64
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,277
(MlSSlLES HlSSlNG)

65
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,446
(LOUD EXPLOSlON)

66
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,076
That, I'm afraid, was
the end of the news.

67
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,788
Our next scheduled programme
will be on August Bank Holiday,

68
00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:58,208
when Charlton Heston will
wrestle His Holiness the Pope

69
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,210
for the Sportsman
of the Year title.

70
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,298
Until then, all walk backwards into
long shot while good night is given.

71
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,968
(CLEARlNG THROAT)

72
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,095
(GROWLlNG)

73
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,975
♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

74
00:07:15,059 --> 00:07:18,145
♪ Long live Mrs. Ethel Shroake

75
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:20,605
♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

76
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:24,484
♪ Of 393A High
Street, Leytonstone ♪

77
00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:26,778
Good night.

78
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,989
Here! Here!

79
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,950
Come out of that television
set. It's our turn for the telly news.

80
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,202
- Oh, is it?
- Are you the District Visiting Announcer?

81
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,928
Yes, that's right. Have
you any requests?

82
00:07:35,952 --> 00:07:37,497
Can you do the
fall of Singapore?

83
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,166
Oh, yes, certainly.

84
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,377
Tonight, Japanese invasion
forces reached Singapore.

85
00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:43,962
Oh, dear!

86
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,131
- Ah!
- I didn't quite catch the name.

87
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:47,340
Are you a doctor, Doctor?

88
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,177
- I advertise.
- No boots. I don't wear them.

89
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,678
And I don't travel in them.

90
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,680
Don't be sharp
with me, young man.

91
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,015
My card.

92
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,184
"Kennington and
District Steam Laundry."

93
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,560
Oh, I am pleased to meet you.

94
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,188
Oh, no, that's not me. I've
let the space for advertising.

95
00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,857
I am other side, Lord
Fortnum of Alamein,

96
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,859
I acquired the title
from a soldier person

97
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,527
who found himself on hard times.

98
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,237
With psychiatry or army surplus?

99
00:08:09,361 --> 00:08:10,841
I think he had to
do with all of that.

100
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,074
And table lamps were
negotiable. We all got one.

101
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,868
I don't require surgery.

102
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,412
I shall decide
that, Lord Fortnum.

103
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:21,249
Now, do you want it privately
or on the National Health?

104
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:22,501
- Yes.
- What?

105
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,878
Yes, I want it privately,
on the National Health.

106
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,356
Ah! You're home
early tonight, Father.

107
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,526
- The last bar on the Circle Line.
- Oh!

108
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:49,236
I think I'll have a smoke.

109
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,196
One of these days,
you'll not come back.

110
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,949
Be brought back by the
health visitor, smoking.

111
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:55,909
You know, and yet you persist,

112
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,870
you know that I don't approve
of you leaving the compartment.

113
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,581
She doesn't get enough
exercise on the whole.

114
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,626
After all, it's been..
. How long's it been?

115
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,379
It's been since... Dear?

116
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:10,632
That, since the.
.. Since, well...

117
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,761
Still, we've managed very well.

118
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,933
I expect it's the choccy bars.

119
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,228
I like my women chubby built.

120
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:26,231
I think she smokes to try
to keep her weight down.

121
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:30,610
Oh, I wish there was more people
of her own age on the Circle Line

122
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,779
she could perhaps smoke with.

123
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:36,616
It'll be a damn fast habit,
Mother. Oh, she's always at it.

124
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:39,119
Ah, well...

125
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,483
Now, look here, there's a
limit to what I'll do, you know.

126
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,810
Is there? Well, let's go as
far as that, then, shall we?

127
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:15,488
Yes. Huh! Well,
it's not unpleasant

128
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,657
- when one gets used to it.
- Yes.

129
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,993
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
Well, you know,

130
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:22,162
you've been a bit off colour.

131
00:10:22,228 --> 00:10:24,308
Yes, I have. And what's
more I'm not eating anything.

132
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,092
- Why is that?
- Well, I can't get the stuff.

133
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,335
Ah, but look, I had this
mounted, this very morning.

134
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,919
Eighteen carat Hovis.

135
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:31,838
Well, tell me about it, more.

136
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:33,842
Well, things were going
swimmingly until that...

137
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,885
Well, until they dropped
the, well now, you know...

138
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,346
- Oh, the old... (lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)
- That's the fellow.

139
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,847
Yes. Did the noise
keep you awake?

140
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:44,559
Oh, no, I slept through it all right. Yes.
In fact, when I was in England, still abed,

141
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,853
albeit in a club chair, the
Third World War took place.

142
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:48,188
(AlR RAlD SlREN BLARlNG)

143
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:50,190
I didn't get a chance
to join the regiment.

144
00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,275
Neither did I. I
was standing by,

145
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,200
ready to face the enemy,
whoever they might be.

146
00:10:54,224 --> 00:10:56,237
- Mmm.
- And I couldn't find them.

147
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,924
Tell me, do you know,
who was the enemy?

148
00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:01,117
I haven't the least
idea. I thought, Doctor,

149
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:05,872
I thought you might give me breakfast
as a prescription against malnutrition.

150
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,707
Ah, yes. Well...

151
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:12,921
Take, um, 30 milligrams
of egg on toast.

152
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,647
You can get it made
up at any restaurant.

153
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,315
Oh, good! I'll have
it made up in Boots.

154
00:11:16,339 --> 00:11:17,550
It's more hygienic in bottles.

155
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,929
Yes, yes, yes, but
will it cure me, huh?

156
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,390
My first impulse
is to cut and run.

157
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:26,393
Thankful, happy in the thought
it's no more than simple starvation,

158
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:30,313
but Doctor, I, I..
. I feel it is more.

159
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,067
Lord Fortnum, we must
have a thorough look at you.

160
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,235
Uh, yes.

161
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,317
- Would you sit down again, please?
- Yes, yes, yes.

162
00:11:37,341 --> 00:11:39,342
Inside and out. Feet up, please.

163
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:43,410
Oh, your skin is very white.

164
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:44,744
My parents were white.

165
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:49,124
Doctor, look. Since this thing dropped,
this, this rude thing, this, um...

166
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,750
(lMlTATES EXPLOSlON)

167
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:55,463
That's the fellow. I've
had terrible morbid fears.

168
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:59,467
I think I may turn into
a bed sitting room.

169
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,429
(STAMMERlNG)

170
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:07,100
Ah! Ah, that's probably
atomic mutation.

171
00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:09,304
- There's a lot of it about.
- What can I take for it?

172
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:11,438
- Three guineas?
- What?

173
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,189
Take three guineas,
for your rent?

174
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:18,862
Rent! I don't want rent, I want to be
cured, I demand a second opinion.

175
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,706
Yes, well, that is your
privilege, of course.

176
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:24,951
But I can tell you that there's no
evidence of dry rot or woodworm,

177
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:29,038
but keep well wrapped up and
try and keep out of overdrafts.

178
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:39,466
She gets later and later every
night, and sometimes morning.

179
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,468
Well, perhaps she's
had more than one.

180
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,636
She's had time for half
a dozen, if you ask me.

181
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,639
I'm going to get her.

182
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:48,808
Oh, Father, don't
leave me at night.

183
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,643
It is bleedin' night, isn't it?

184
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,083
(SCREAMlNG)

185
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,335
(ENGlNE ROARlNG)

186
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,914
(PENELOPE PANTlNG)

187
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,000
(PENELOPE LAUGHlNG)

188
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:41,588
God, what's this?

189
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,551
A likely story!

190
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,054
Those are not my
daughter's little hairs.

191
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:52,640
Out you come.

192
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,815
There's a simple
explanation, sir.

193
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,276
Yes. And I'm going
to give it to you.

194
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,324
(CLEARS THROAT)

195
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:13,953
Ah! What class of person are
you? I am top drawer, to put it mildly.

196
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:19,208
You, I expect, are from the guttering.
But I don't believe it, about my turning,

197
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:20,335
no.

198
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,262
(TRAlN ENGlNE CHUGGlNG)

199
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,684
Well, what can I say?

200
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,811
- Say?
- Say sorry.

201
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,438
Sorry?

202
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:42,857
Sorry.

203
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,318
That's not nearly enough
enough, under the circumstances.

204
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,489
Actually, sir, I'm a commuter chap.
You know, backwards and forwards.

205
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:51,324
- That's nice.
- Forwards and backwards.

206
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,992
FATHER: How dare you!

207
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,162
- Does it get boring?
- How really dare you say such things?

208
00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,498
And do them!

209
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:03,169
Well, I'd be interested in joining your party,
I'm sure you can use another pair of hands.

210
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,254
You keep your filthy
commuter hands to yourself.

211
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:07,674
Down the seams of your
trousers, where I can see them.

212
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:11,427
She'll need a nurse.

213
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,596
Mmm.

214
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:40,415
Right. You can get dressed.
Uh, but what is it you want?

215
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,041
Want, want?

216
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:45,126
Do you mean to say you've been looking
at me without regard to my condition?

217
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,090
You're not well enough
to have a condition, dear.

218
00:16:47,114 --> 00:16:48,114
Do you want a potty?

219
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,633
I want no such thing.
I want an opinion.

220
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:53,928
Well, in my opinion...

221
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,889
In my opinion, you
need re-pointing.

222
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,725
But that's only putting
off the evil hour.

223
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:03,980
What you really need, you see, is a
full-scale conversion to maisonette.

224
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,441
- It's true, then?
- Oh, I expect it is.

225
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,777
Still, try not to worry,
love. It's a simple op.

226
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,812
And the Council will give
you a grant for your bathroom.

227
00:17:12,836 --> 00:17:15,283
You don't realise, do you,
I don't want a bathroom.

228
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:19,662
Now, if you want anything,
here we are, just ring for nurse.

229
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,465
My God, I've dropped a brick!

230
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,100
Come along, Mother.

231
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,061
Must we go, Dad?

232
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,563
I felt safe in there.

233
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,608
Nothing to worry about.

234
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,411
Where are we going?

235
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,830
I say that. I'm the
leader of the new world.

236
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,035
Where we're going, up is
where we're going, young man.

237
00:18:05,059 --> 00:18:07,018
And don't you forget it.

238
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,715
I say, sir, you can't do
that. That's public property.

239
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,093
That's all right. I am a
member of the public.

240
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,469
(CRASHlNG)

241
00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:18,054
Public member.

242
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:25,478
At last! At last they've
come to collect me.

243
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,609
- How long have you been...?
- Three years.

244
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:32,985
Three years?

245
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,737
Collect me, collect me.

246
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,448
I've been here dead since
imminent warning red.

247
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,534
I'm afraid there's
far too much to pay.

248
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,786
My friend will pay.
If you can find him.

249
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:43,871
There are no friends left.

250
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,208
Roger, is this your trunk?

251
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,044
Me? My name's
not Roger, it's Alan.

252
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,380
Roger's name is not on the lid.

253
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,216
It'll cost you 25 shillings.

254
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,219
Oh, I'm afraid I
haven't any money, sir.

255
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,888
I shall lend you some.

256
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,395
Take something useful.

257
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,066
Help me on.

258
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,027
(BANGlNG)

259
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,448
MOTHER: Oh! This
is nice and warm.

260
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,204
Oh, dear me!

261
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,666
I'm afraid I'm three shillings short,
sir, I shall have to owe it to you.

262
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,264
Come along.

263
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:49,478
What are you doing
with that trunk?

264
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,772
What? We've got
to have luggage, girl.

265
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,649
Can't be arrested as vagrants.

266
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,234
Go on.

267
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,528
You've got the tickets, dear.

268
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,089
I hear a rumour, sir,

269
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,759
the Pope's now allowing
contraceptives for all occasions.

270
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:22,762
Except during
sexual intercourse.

271
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:24,096
You'd better get your hair cut.

272
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,264
(CHUCKLES)

273
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:28,017
That's enough of that
talk. Keep talk out of it!

274
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,572
(EXCLAlMlNG)

275
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,120
You all right?

276
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:19,652
(DONKEY BRAYlNG)

277
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:30,913
Look here, look here. Can't
you get more horsepower?

278
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:35,126
Keep moving. Keep moving,
sir. You're safer on the move.

279
00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:37,962
What?

280
00:21:38,755 --> 00:21:42,633
I shan't, I shall not keep
asking you to keep moving, sir.

281
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:47,013
You will not? You'll do your duty, young
man. I wish to speak to your superior,

282
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:50,016
I expect to turn into a bed
sitting room very shortly.

283
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,185
I think you'd better
speak to me, sir.

284
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:56,147
In which particular, I shall
be obliged to stop somewhere,

285
00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:57,356
preferably a street.

286
00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:58,524
You can't stop here, sir.

287
00:21:58,650 --> 00:21:59,984
Oh, well, where can I stop?

288
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:02,194
You can't stop anywhere,
sir, as you very well know.

289
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,121
We don't want to stay
in one place long enough

290
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,657
for the enemy to have another
chance at us, do we, sir?

291
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,201
Not until our pre-emptive
strike is launched, do we, sir?

292
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:10,786
Do we, sir?

293
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:13,956
Have we not struck
back? Has England not?

294
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:18,210
We should have struck back
three years ago, if not before.

295
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,213
I expect we did, sir. But
these things take time.

296
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:25,217
You're not looking very well, sir.
Have you been to a good estate agent?

297
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,386
Oh, my God! Sorry, sir.

298
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:32,058
Oh, yes. Absolutely refused to handle me,
until I'd turned into a bed sitting room.

299
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,392
And you are not that?

300
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:34,894
Not yet fully, damn you, man!

301
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:37,480
Do I, do I... Do I look
like a bed sitting room?

302
00:22:37,647 --> 00:22:39,231
It's not for me to say, sir.

303
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,396
But should you stop, you're
liable to be knocked down

304
00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:42,318
without the option.

305
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,070
Well, I...

306
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,739
I don't want to turn
into a bed sitting room.

307
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,574
(STUTTERlNG) I don't.

308
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,494
You can't have a Lord
turning into that sort of thing.

309
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:55,915
I mean, Longleat, Woburn Abbey, a
place where the takings are considerable,

310
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,917
but a bedsitter!

311
00:22:58,585 --> 00:23:01,587
Three pounds ten a week. Never!

312
00:23:01,713 --> 00:23:03,255
Carry on, Sergeant.

313
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,925
(COUGHlNG) Excuse me.

314
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,266
ELECTRONlC VOlCE:
Do you hear the frog?

315
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,894
(CROAKING)

316
00:23:20,273 --> 00:23:21,440
Here's a turkey.

317
00:23:21,566 --> 00:23:23,317
(GOBBLING)

318
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:27,947
In every way, I'm
getting better and better.

319
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:29,240
Every day, in every...

320
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:31,283
(HORSE NElGHlNG)

321
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:35,473
- Hello, hello?
- MAN: Hello, hello. Have they dropped it yet?

322
00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:36,997
No. I've still got
it in me hand.

323
00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:38,476
Hello, hello. Have
they dropped it?

324
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,100
- Hello, up there.
- It's coming from...

325
00:23:40,124 --> 00:23:42,837
Hello, hello!

326
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,005
You stupid...

327
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:48,300
Hello. I can hear you down
here. Can you hear me up there?

328
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:51,170
Every day, in every way,
I'm getting better and better.

329
00:23:51,194 --> 00:23:52,903
Every day and every...

330
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,319
She's got big busts, hasn't
she? For a girl her age, hmm?

331
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,988
- What?
- ALAN: Yeah, what?

332
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:11,490
That left bust,
especially seems to,

333
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,373
the nipple seems to
stand out more on that one.

334
00:24:13,397 --> 00:24:14,452
(CHUCKLlNG) Yes.

335
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:17,329
Mmm. Father's very
observant. He was in the Corps.

336
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,416
I wish he wouldn't talk
about me in front of Alan.

337
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:21,667
He doesn't want to
know about my busts.

338
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:22,877
No, I do, I do.

339
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,879
Shall we stop here for tea?

340
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,131
I hope all this family talk
isn't boring you, Alan?

341
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:28,382
- No, not a bit of it.
- Good.

342
00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:32,178
Well, I expect you'd like a little dance
now. To relax you, the both of you.

343
00:24:48,069 --> 00:24:51,238
I'm glad it's all
over. The, um...

344
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,575
Do you know, Mother, so am I.

345
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:56,869
Just like I was glad
when I married you.

346
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:58,037
(CHUCKLES)

347
00:24:58,079 --> 00:24:59,330
Got it all over.

348
00:24:59,372 --> 00:25:03,501
If I'd known the end was
such a relief. if only I...

349
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:06,086
I used to say, "For Christ's
sake, drop it," didn't I?

350
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:08,339
Only when you were very tired.

351
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,174
(CHUCKLlNG)

352
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:14,053
FATHER: He's not a bad lad.

353
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:15,721
Now, there you
are, what did I say?

354
00:25:15,764 --> 00:25:18,364
- Did you hear what I said, lad?
- He said you were not a bad lad.

355
00:25:18,388 --> 00:25:19,391
There!

356
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:20,559
Oh, thank you.

357
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,770
- One of the family now.
- There.

358
00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,564
I want you to treat me
just as if I was your father.

359
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,691
(SCREAMlNG)

360
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:29,568
I hated my father!

361
00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:31,904
No. Right. Ahhh!

362
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,167
Well, haven't you got a favourite
uncle you were fond of, young Alan?

363
00:25:36,284 --> 00:25:37,451
Yes.

364
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,912
Well, treat me like him, then.

365
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:42,706
(GROANS)

366
00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:46,377
Uncle, can I have sixpence
for sweeties, please?

367
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:49,547
Of course you may.

368
00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,424
What a good, polite boy you are!

369
00:25:52,467 --> 00:25:53,801
(CHUCKLES)

370
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:00,641
Radiation's rising.

371
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,143
Still, one mustn't
grumble too much.

372
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:04,645
(CLlNKlNG TWlCE)

373
00:26:06,481 --> 00:26:07,731
(CLlNKlNG THRlCE)

374
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:10,276
- Hello?
- MAN: Hello, have they dropped it yet?

375
00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:12,111
- Hey?
- Hello?

376
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:14,280
- What?
- Have they dropped it yet, boy?

377
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:16,198
- Where are you?
- In by here.

378
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,118
- Hmm?
- In by here.

379
00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:22,162
(GRUNTlNG)

380
00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:26,500
I'm a regional seat of government.
Come in by here, quick.

381
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:28,669
I'll soon have you
seated and governed.

382
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:32,548
Fancy seeing you down here.

383
00:26:32,632 --> 00:26:34,466
- Who are you?
- First of all,

384
00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:36,552
have they dropped
it yet, indeed?

385
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:37,720
Have they dropped what?

386
00:26:37,804 --> 00:26:42,516
You know, the... You're bound to
know. You're up there, weren't you?

387
00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:49,982
Still, towards the end it got all
mixed up with the blackies and LBJ.

388
00:26:50,066 --> 00:26:53,485
There's a fellow for you, LBJ. I
was proud to regionally serve him.

389
00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,864
(LAUGHlNG) Have they?
No, don't tell me, let me guess.

390
00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,867
Harrods laid all this
on, you know. Harrods!

391
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:02,036
- They're very good at that.
- Yes.

392
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:05,039
I expect I talk too much.
Don't listen. I don't listen.

393
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,499
Thank God I've kept my
head, when all about are...

394
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:09,918
Have they?

395
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:12,486
Some good people
have gone, you know.

396
00:27:12,510 --> 00:27:14,423
- Oh, yes.
- I shot two myself.

397
00:27:14,507 --> 00:27:18,427
I had to. They came at me. They
tried to get in with the man from Harrods.

398
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:20,387
In gas masks, they
were, trying to get in.

399
00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:23,390
So I shot them. I said, "Take those
gas masks off your face," I said.

400
00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:26,018
I had to. They might have been
some of my directors, you see.

401
00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:27,269
Who? Who did you shoot?

402
00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:29,188
My mother and my
wife. Shot them dead.

403
00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:31,190
- Oh.
- Of course, I married again.

404
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:33,776
Don't mind me, I talk too much.

405
00:27:33,860 --> 00:27:34,902
(CHUCKLES)

406
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:36,862
- Doris. Doris.
- Hmm?

407
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:39,573
I'm very much in love. Of
course, it led to marriage.

408
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:41,617
(CHUCKLlNG) She
doesn't seem to mind.

409
00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:43,577
Are you hungry?

410
00:27:43,703 --> 00:27:45,454
- No.
- That's a damn lie!

411
00:27:46,039 --> 00:27:48,082
Don't you shout at me,
I'm a medical practitioner.

412
00:27:48,416 --> 00:27:50,459
(EXCLAlMlNG) Hey!

413
00:27:51,044 --> 00:27:53,087
I have the proof.
The terrible proof.

414
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:54,421
There!

415
00:27:54,547 --> 00:27:57,216
Fresh evidence has come to
life as to who is responsible.

416
00:27:57,801 --> 00:27:59,301
Will you have a bite with us?

417
00:27:59,386 --> 00:28:02,054
I will, I will, I
will. In that order.

418
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:12,147
Mmm.

419
00:28:12,232 --> 00:28:13,273
Where are we?

420
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,109
(CHUCKLlNG) Are
you all forgotten?

421
00:28:15,235 --> 00:28:16,276
Paddington.

422
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:19,738
(CHUCKLlNG) Don't
you know your London?

423
00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:23,450
Shall I carve?

424
00:28:32,168 --> 00:28:33,252
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

425
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:40,259
(COUGHS)

426
00:28:42,011 --> 00:28:43,595
It's family life
that's important.

427
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:46,181
Do you have a family, young man?

428
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,976
No. My big brother did.

429
00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:50,978
Didn't you have a Daddy
and a Mummy, then?

430
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:52,438
No. My brother had them.

431
00:28:53,481 --> 00:28:56,608
That's a bit unfair. You
could've had one each.

432
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:06,535
MOTHER: I'm sorry to have to rest,
Dad, but my legs feel like lumps of wood.

433
00:29:39,694 --> 00:29:40,861
(GRUNTlNG)

434
00:29:44,657 --> 00:29:47,457
LORD FORTNUM: Well, thank goodness
I caught you on your rounds, Doctor.

435
00:29:47,481 --> 00:29:49,273
What are you going
to do for me? What?

436
00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:56,210
Mmm.

437
00:29:57,545 --> 00:29:59,963
Take, um,

438
00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:03,592
six of these pills.
One every half mile.

439
00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:06,804
Oh, but I can't do that,
I only live a mile away.

440
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,472
This is Hyde Park, isn't it?

441
00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:10,916
Yes. Well, then you'll have
to move further out, I'm afraid.

442
00:30:10,940 --> 00:30:14,019
No. I'll tell you what, I'll
take the long road home.

443
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:15,896
That's the ticket. Splendid!

444
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:17,898
I don't know what
to say to you, Doctor.

445
00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:19,566
Say, "Doctor, how
much will that be?"

446
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:21,235
Doctor, how much will that be?

447
00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:22,599
That'll be 18 post-war guineas,

448
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:24,854
marked down to three and
six in the last bargain budget.

449
00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,080
Oi, here!

450
00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:34,873
Will you excuse me?

451
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:40,754
Are you Captain Bules Martin?

452
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:42,047
Yes.

453
00:30:42,757 --> 00:30:45,425
Just sign there, sir, on
that line. Here we are.

454
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:47,344
Thank you.

455
00:30:47,428 --> 00:30:50,472
- Ah! Luncheon.
- Ah, would you care to join me?

456
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:52,140
Yes, certainly, certainly.

457
00:30:54,310 --> 00:30:56,270
If this is Regent's
Park, then...

458
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,231
Marble Arch must
lie to the south.

459
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:01,900
Dad!

460
00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:11,618
What I have here, sir, is
your wife's death certificate.

461
00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:13,871
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, dear!

462
00:31:15,415 --> 00:31:19,126
There! Well, it was
a lovely way to go.

463
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:20,794
But Mummy's alive!

464
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,588
I'm afraid not, dear.

465
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:25,465
(SHUDDERS)

466
00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,634
It makes me feel
all funny to read it.

467
00:31:28,928 --> 00:31:30,012
No!

468
00:31:30,096 --> 00:31:31,638
No! Tell them no, Alan.

469
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,098
- No!
- Pull yourself together!

470
00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:34,892
I am together. We are!

471
00:31:34,976 --> 00:31:37,978
I want you to call me Arthur and
come to me for every little plaster.

472
00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:39,688
But Mum's alive!

473
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:42,858
Well, I thought I was,
dear. By rights, I should be,

474
00:31:42,942 --> 00:31:45,903
but how can you tell if it's
here in black and white?

475
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:47,529
Give it to me.

476
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:50,699
I shouldn't, should I, Dad?
It'll only upset her to read it.

477
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:55,996
Give it to me, dear. I'll put it
somewhere safe with all the others.

478
00:31:56,956 --> 00:31:58,540
With the health cards.

479
00:31:59,375 --> 00:32:01,543
Look, Mrs. Frereton, there
is nothing wrong with you.

480
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,962
Now then, you're
a nice, kind boy.

481
00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:06,965
It's your wife being alive that
seems to be all the trouble, sir.

482
00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:09,551
- I'm sorry.
- Ah.

483
00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:11,803
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't
want to cause any trouble.

484
00:32:11,888 --> 00:32:13,221
Oh, now listen, Mum...

485
00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:14,431
Penny!

486
00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:15,795
Don't argue with
the nurse, dear.

487
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:18,644
She's bound to know
best, what's best for us.

488
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:22,230
Do I lie down or anything?

489
00:32:23,399 --> 00:32:25,651
The way, the way I'd
like you to look at it is this.

490
00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:30,572
You may have lost a wife, sir,
but you've gained a certificate.

491
00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:34,076
I expect you've got the set now, if
you haven't been careless with them.

492
00:32:34,369 --> 00:32:36,703
I do hope we haven't been
careless with our papers,

493
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,372
birth, marriage, death...

494
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:39,915
- And school.
- Ah!

495
00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:42,084
Mum got her school.

496
00:32:44,420 --> 00:32:48,256
Father, can you let me see
them all before you send them off?

497
00:32:49,175 --> 00:32:53,178
I would just like to, to
hold them all together,

498
00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:54,888
look through them.

499
00:32:56,057 --> 00:32:57,391
(SNlFFLlNG)

500
00:33:02,772 --> 00:33:04,106
Not much, is it?

501
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:06,775
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

502
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:11,279
And we've all been so
much happier since that...

503
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:19,579
Oh, well, at least I
can still keep cheerful.

504
00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:22,165
That's the style, Mum.

505
00:33:23,084 --> 00:33:24,960
That's the hammer.

506
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:28,130
Forward.

507
00:33:36,973 --> 00:33:38,140
LORD FORTNUM: Hello!

508
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:41,059
My dear God, gas metres!

509
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:46,440
I can hear them shilling in the
slot. Gas metres on a lord's legs.

510
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:51,403
Belgravia! I must find
Belgravia before I turn.

511
00:33:51,779 --> 00:33:55,490
For all I know, I may even
now be in the provinces.

512
00:33:55,575 --> 00:34:01,496
Will someone kindly set me on the
right road to Belgravia? A guide! A guide!

513
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:06,001
My freehold for a guide!

514
00:34:06,711 --> 00:34:08,003
(MARTlN BURPS)

515
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:11,631
MARTlN: Ah, what a lovely
evening. Splendid meal.

516
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,884
SHELTER MAN: Yes, care
for an after-dinner drink?

517
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:15,844
Well, thank you very much, yes.

518
00:34:27,523 --> 00:34:29,191
No. Here, let me have a try.

519
00:34:36,032 --> 00:34:38,116
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

520
00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:40,577
Cheers!

521
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,540
What were you doing
before this, then?

522
00:34:45,625 --> 00:34:48,001
I was in the army,
actually. I'm a Captain.

523
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:50,212
Oh, I say! What regiment?

524
00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:52,631
Oh, we didn't know, due
to the Official Secrets Act.

525
00:34:52,715 --> 00:34:57,427
But from what I can make of my cap
badge, it was the Household Cavalry.

526
00:34:57,512 --> 00:34:58,887
Did you have to
be a householder?

527
00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:02,349
(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, good lord, no,
no! No. It did help for a commission.

528
00:35:02,433 --> 00:35:04,033
No, the household
that we're referring to

529
00:35:04,118 --> 00:35:06,798
is the Buckingham Palace household.
We did all the cavalry for them.

530
00:35:06,822 --> 00:35:09,022
Did you? They're splendid!

531
00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:12,192
(SlGHlNG) All destroyed, of
course, when they dropped the...

532
00:35:12,693 --> 00:35:13,777
Oh!

533
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:15,612
♪ God save our gracious Queen

534
00:35:15,696 --> 00:35:17,489
♪ Long live our noble Queen

535
00:35:17,573 --> 00:35:19,157
♪ God save our Queen... ♪

536
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,244
No, no, no! We don't
sing that any longer.

537
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:23,745
- You don't?
- No, we sing now that

538
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:27,582
God should save Mrs. Ethel Shroake
of 393A High Street, Leytonstone.

539
00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:28,750
Oh.

540
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:31,586
Of the twenty people who are
known to be left alive in England,

541
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:33,551
she stands next in line
to the throne, you know.

542
00:35:33,575 --> 00:35:34,575
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

543
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:36,341
- Mmm.
- I say!

544
00:35:36,425 --> 00:35:40,428
You're lucky to be still connected,
huh? Bit of luck to have the phone.

545
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:44,724
I've only got the bells, boy. Drive
me mad, they do, they drive me mad!

546
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:45,892
Aye.

547
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,103
Hey, is that the authorities?

548
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:50,355
Hey! Hey! Keep moving!

549
00:35:50,439 --> 00:35:53,108
No building whatever!
Keep moving!

550
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:55,531
No building whatever!
Keep moving! Keep moving!

551
00:35:55,555 --> 00:35:57,514
I have the proof!
I have the proof!

552
00:35:57,822 --> 00:36:00,157
Look! The proof of
germ warfare, boy.

553
00:36:01,826 --> 00:36:04,746
They dip the weapons in germs, you
see. They dip the weapons in the germs.

554
00:36:04,831 --> 00:36:06,471
And then if they
survive the, you know...

555
00:36:06,495 --> 00:36:09,624
(CHUCKLlNG) if you survive that,
you see, you go down with the measles.

556
00:36:09,709 --> 00:36:10,750
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

557
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:12,752
Uh, excuse me, madam.

558
00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:15,422
Uh, which one of you
ordered a business telephone?

559
00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:16,548
- Both of me.
- Huh?

560
00:36:16,632 --> 00:36:19,801
At last, at last, I shall convince the
world with my documentary voice!

561
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:21,011
No, this is a...

562
00:36:21,095 --> 00:36:23,471
Hello, folks of world!
Hello, hello, folks of world!

563
00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:25,682
This is a... It's only a
demonstration model.

564
00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:27,642
But this is the type
you'll be getting, madam.

565
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:29,705
Just let me have the
borrowing of it, will you, please?

566
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,331
- The bells are driving me mad, you see.
- Don't worry, sir.

567
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:33,315
Don't worry. As soon as
the telephone's installed,

568
00:36:33,339 --> 00:36:34,524
we rip the bells out.

569
00:36:34,609 --> 00:36:36,151
Let me have it! Let me have it!

570
00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:37,360
Madam!

571
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:38,987
Hello, hello, hello!

572
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:42,616
It's for you.

573
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:43,825
Oh.

574
00:36:44,535 --> 00:36:47,162
- Hello?
- Colour? I'll show you in bloody colour.

575
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:49,497
- What's he talking about, chum?
- Colour!

576
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:52,792
The dirty... sod
! That's naughty.

577
00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:54,920
Bules Martin,
Captain and Doctor.

578
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:57,964
Oh, just a moment!

579
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:05,472
Hello, darling. What are
you doing this evening?

580
00:37:06,682 --> 00:37:08,475
(CHUCKLlNG) Oh, are you?

581
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:11,728
Well, let me have a
photograph of it, won't you?

582
00:37:13,272 --> 00:37:15,023
Oh, give him my regards.

583
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:17,776
Yes. Bye-bye, Gregory.

584
00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:21,446
Ah, Gregory, have
you seen my Nigel?

585
00:37:24,116 --> 00:37:25,367
(SlGHS)

586
00:37:26,285 --> 00:37:30,580
Oh, it's getting late.
Time for my humiliation.

587
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:32,916
Now, what have I done with
my defeat of England medal?

588
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,210
(CLEARlNG THROAT)

589
00:37:35,294 --> 00:37:38,713
Your Majesty, I'm
sorry that I failed you.

590
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:41,549
I tried to catch the thing
before it hit the Palace,

591
00:37:41,634 --> 00:37:43,385
but one of your corgis bit me.

592
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:49,532
Come on, Sergeant,
put your back into it.

593
00:37:49,556 --> 00:37:50,767
I've got my back into it, sir.

594
00:37:50,893 --> 00:37:52,560
Put your front into it, then!

595
00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:53,965
Put your front
into it, Constable.

596
00:37:53,989 --> 00:37:56,356
Come on now, sir, keep moving.

597
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,401
Hurry up! Don't stand
there and watch us.

598
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:03,697
We'll be moving, all right. Come
on, Iady. She who hesitates is lost.

599
00:38:06,409 --> 00:38:07,575
(GRUNTS)

600
00:38:19,046 --> 00:38:21,089
My first wife died, you know.

601
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:23,216
I'm sorry to hear that.

602
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,176
I got my certificate
the other day.

603
00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:29,889
You don't want an
old woman like me.

604
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:43,361
You remind me of my first wife.

605
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,947
That's funny. You see, I
never met her, you see.

606
00:38:46,907 --> 00:38:50,118
Will you do for me
what my first wife did?

607
00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:53,121
Doris tries, but she
can't coordinate, you see.

608
00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:55,790
Will you do it for me?

609
00:38:55,875 --> 00:39:01,504
Well, so long as we get it over
quickly, before Daddy misses me.

610
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:11,306
Now, no, no, no!

611
00:39:11,390 --> 00:39:14,017
See reason, Mildred! Mildred,
you're worse than your mother!

612
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:17,228
I didn't, Mildred, I haven't! She's
a common or garden secretary!

613
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:19,397
Mildred, please! I love you!

614
00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:21,566
She means nothing
to me at all! Mildred!

615
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:24,194
I was kept late at the
office. Mildred, I love you!

616
00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:26,321
Mildred, please, no!
The people next door!

617
00:39:26,405 --> 00:39:28,531
Mildred, please!
Mildred, no! Mildred!

618
00:39:28,574 --> 00:39:30,533
Mildred! Mildred, Mildred!

619
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:31,868
(PANTlNG) Oh! Oh!

620
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:38,583
Get out, you slut! Get
out and leave me alone!

621
00:39:41,337 --> 00:39:43,588
That was my best dinner service.

622
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,889
Hello! Hello!

623
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,102
Doctor!

624
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:58,561
Hello!

625
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:17,122
Call the roll, Alan.

626
00:40:17,206 --> 00:40:18,581
(COUGHlNG)

627
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:21,292
- Father figure!
- Present.

628
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:23,962
- Penelope, the well-known fiancée!
- Here.

629
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:25,755
Alan! Here!

630
00:40:25,798 --> 00:40:27,424
Mother!

631
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:29,467
Mummy?

632
00:40:29,593 --> 00:40:31,636
We're all here
except one, Mother.

633
00:40:31,762 --> 00:40:33,805
That's all we ever
had, one Mother.

634
00:40:33,889 --> 00:40:35,056
Mummy!

635
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:36,391
All right.

636
00:40:37,476 --> 00:40:39,602
Now, when I say wave,
I want you all to wave.

637
00:40:39,979 --> 00:40:41,146
Wave!

638
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:42,981
- Hello.
- Hello, young Alan.

639
00:40:44,066 --> 00:40:46,067
- Hello, Penelope.
- Hello.

640
00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:49,112
Mummy!

641
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:51,072
All right. That's enough.

642
00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,574
Mummy!

643
00:40:52,992 --> 00:40:54,576
I demand an explanation.

644
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:59,122
Oh! Much worse than I thought.

645
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:01,458
Oh! Mother!

646
00:41:02,793 --> 00:41:05,295
Don't worry, Mother,
we'll look after you.

647
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:19,767
(GASPlNG)

648
00:41:21,020 --> 00:41:22,479
(ENGlNE HUMMlNG)

649
00:41:29,612 --> 00:41:32,989
One more stop, madam, and I shall
be forced to endorse your licence.

650
00:41:33,699 --> 00:41:36,826
You wouldn't want us to use our
special powers, would you, madam?

651
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:40,872
I can't move. My legs are stiff.

652
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,291
(SOBBlNG)

653
00:41:51,550 --> 00:41:52,884
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

654
00:42:11,028 --> 00:42:12,570
- Hello?
- It is I.

655
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,073
- Who?
- Lord Fortnum. I've changed.

656
00:42:15,157 --> 00:42:17,242
Lord Fortnum! And
you've changed?

657
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:18,493
Yes, I have.

658
00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:21,579
Well, keep moving,
and where are you?

659
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,998
I'm number 29 Cul de Sac Place.

660
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:27,043
Hurry, for God's sake, and bring
me some furniture, I'm freezing.

661
00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,420
I shall come at once. Try
not to look conspicuous,

662
00:42:29,547 --> 00:42:31,307
or you'll be knocked
down without the option.

663
00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:32,882
(HANGS UP)

664
00:42:38,430 --> 00:42:41,432
MOTHER: Oh!
Oh, you black fiend!

665
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,561
Get your hand out of
my drawers! I'm a mother!

666
00:42:44,853 --> 00:42:52,235
Mummy!

667
00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:57,782
Penny!

668
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:00,577
(TARZAN-LlKE YODELLlNG)

669
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:16,092
LORD FORTNUM: I'm over here.

670
00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:20,138
So you are. I'd recognise
you anywhere, My Lord.

671
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:22,640
I must say it suits you.

672
00:43:30,107 --> 00:43:32,233
LORD FORTNUM: Please
don't do that, I'm not well.

673
00:43:33,235 --> 00:43:35,945
It's me. Captain Bules Martin.

674
00:43:37,114 --> 00:43:38,906
And I'm your doctor.

675
00:43:41,327 --> 00:43:43,786
Come in, Doctor. Did
you bring some furniture?

676
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:49,167
I say!

677
00:43:51,962 --> 00:43:53,171
Is this you?

678
00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:56,132
Yes, tell me the
worst. Where am I?

679
00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:59,802
Yeah, you're number
29 Cul de Sac Place.

680
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:02,347
Yes, I know that,
but what borough?

681
00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:03,993
Ah, that's pretty
bad news, I'm afraid.

682
00:44:04,017 --> 00:44:05,642
- It's Paddington.
- Quick, put a card.

683
00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:06,809
Put a card in the window.

684
00:44:06,852 --> 00:44:09,854
No coloureds, no children and
definitely no coloured children.

685
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:11,022
MARTlN: Don't worry.

686
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:13,068
Doctor Bules Martin
looks like he's come to stay.

687
00:44:13,092 --> 00:44:14,525
You're still under your doctor.

688
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:17,654
If everyone thought like you, this
world would be a much happier place.

689
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:24,661
Breathe in.

690
00:44:24,703 --> 00:44:27,038
(LORD FORTNUM lNHALlNG) In...

691
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:33,044
- Out.
- (EXHALlNG) Out!

692
00:44:33,837 --> 00:44:35,254
Yes.

693
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:39,050
How's your water?

694
00:44:39,176 --> 00:44:40,760
It hasn't run
properly for years.

695
00:44:40,886 --> 00:44:43,326
Oh well, we'll soon fix that. Have
you got a washer somewhere?

696
00:44:45,391 --> 00:44:48,393
One, two, three, 12...

697
00:44:52,106 --> 00:44:54,524
- Cough.
- (COUGHlNG)

698
00:44:58,737 --> 00:45:01,447
- You married?
- No, not at the moment.

699
00:45:02,366 --> 00:45:05,243
Well, I'd advise
against it. Against it.

700
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:08,079
(TRUMPET BLOWlNG)

701
00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:10,248
Listen.

702
00:45:11,083 --> 00:45:12,583
Harken.

703
00:45:19,425 --> 00:45:23,261
Survivors of the Third
Gurkhas, quick march!

704
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:25,263
(CHANTlNG)

705
00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:31,769
It's the Burma reunion.

706
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:34,647
And hot dinner.

707
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:37,608
The Cavalry cometh!

708
00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:42,655
I must find the Albert Hall.

709
00:45:44,616 --> 00:45:46,242
I shall be out till dawn.

710
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:49,245
No, don't wait up.
And don't take any rent.

711
00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,624
That's got rid of him. Come on,
Abdul, let's get the furniture in.

712
00:45:53,667 --> 00:45:54,751
(LAUGHlNG)

713
00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:06,429
(SlGHlNG WlTH PLEASURE)

714
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:09,766
(MOANlNG)

715
00:46:12,811 --> 00:46:14,312
Mummy!

716
00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:22,653
Thank you, my dear.

717
00:46:22,696 --> 00:46:27,158
As you chaps know, electricity
is the life blood of civilisation.

718
00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:31,829
Without electricity, civilisation
as we know it could not survive.

719
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:37,126
So I intend, with God's help,
to go on pedalling this bicycle

720
00:46:37,169 --> 00:46:40,296
until we've hit this
desolation for six

721
00:46:40,339 --> 00:46:44,342
and won God's just victory
over the forces of evil.

722
00:46:45,135 --> 00:46:46,219
(DEVlCE VlBRATlNG)

723
00:46:48,639 --> 00:46:50,014
Hmm? Hmm?

724
00:46:52,184 --> 00:46:53,851
(MOANlNG WlTH PLEASURE)

725
00:46:55,854 --> 00:47:03,236
Mummy!

726
00:47:04,071 --> 00:47:05,822
I'll look up here.

727
00:47:08,534 --> 00:47:10,034
No...

728
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:17,875
(MAKlNG WHlRRlNG SOUND)

729
00:47:23,549 --> 00:47:24,715
(CHUCKLlNG)

730
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:29,053
ALAN: Oi, you watching?

731
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,721
PENELOPE: Oh, please come down!

732
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,056
Okay, coming.

733
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:33,391
PENELOPE: Oh!

734
00:47:37,062 --> 00:47:38,729
(YELPlNG)

735
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,607
(EXCLAlMlNG)

736
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:43,901
I like it! I like it!

737
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:46,779
More! More! Oh!

738
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:51,081
What are you doing
with that? It's not raining.

739
00:47:52,244 --> 00:47:53,411
Come on.

740
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:56,038
(SlGHS)

741
00:47:56,081 --> 00:47:57,415
(DEVlCE STOPS)

742
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:00,793
Oh.

743
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:05,631
♪ Roll me over in the clover

744
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:07,592
(HUMMlNG)

745
00:48:07,634 --> 00:48:09,260
♪ Do it again ♪

746
00:48:10,929 --> 00:48:13,931
DlSTANT CHORUS:
♪ Roll me over... ♪

747
00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:15,766
(EXCLAlMS HAPPlLY)

748
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:19,228
♪ On the road to Mandalay ♪

749
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,815
(PANTlNG)

750
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,445
(MOTHER CHUCKLlNG)

751
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,989
LORD FORTNUM: Who's there?
MOTHER: Oh, for pity's sake!

752
00:48:30,115 --> 00:48:31,908
LORD FORTNUM: No
coloureds, damn you!

753
00:48:31,950 --> 00:48:35,119
MOTHER: Have you not yet
finished with my poor bruised body?

754
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:37,005
LORD FORTNUM: Are
you that black man's woman?

755
00:48:37,029 --> 00:48:39,123
MOTHER: That's hardly
likely, in my condition.

756
00:48:39,207 --> 00:48:40,807
LORD FORTNUM: And
what is your condition?

757
00:48:40,831 --> 00:48:44,083
MOTHER: I'm a cupboard.
Will nobody close my doors?

758
00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:48,132
I'm Lord Fortnum of
Alamein. Who are you?

759
00:48:49,051 --> 00:48:50,843
I'm Mrs. Frereton.

760
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:53,804
Well, madam, in view of
the ghastly circumstances

761
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:55,306
in which we both find ourselves,

762
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:58,976
I suggest we speak only when
spoken to and hold our tongues.

763
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:00,728
MOTHER: Very
well, if you think so.

764
00:49:02,731 --> 00:49:07,860
Mummy!

765
00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:12,490
Mummy! Mummy!

766
00:49:14,326 --> 00:49:15,993
PENELOPE: Mummy!

767
00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:29,173
Oh, let's sleep here for a bit. We
can look again when it's light, love.

768
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,200
I will say this for him,

769
00:49:57,577 --> 00:49:59,245
I can't really say
anything for him,

770
00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:02,707
except he is like a
sheet of white paper.

771
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:07,253
I haven't seen a sheet of white
paper for years I could draw a face on.

772
00:50:09,548 --> 00:50:11,382
His poor suit!

773
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:13,884
Crumple-fashion little
stitches on the edges.

774
00:50:15,387 --> 00:50:17,096
And I'll say this for him,

775
00:50:17,222 --> 00:50:19,473
trendy boy.

776
00:50:19,558 --> 00:50:21,225
You can say his
lapels are crumpled

777
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:23,894
and he has got a nose
where noses used to be.

778
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:27,106
And I'll say this for him.

779
00:50:27,899 --> 00:50:29,775
He's always here.

780
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:31,944
Wherever his feet are, he is.

781
00:50:33,488 --> 00:50:36,741
Toes are bent upwards,
but he's straight,

782
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:39,577
flat.

783
00:50:41,288 --> 00:50:43,080
Stupid as the sun.

784
00:50:45,083 --> 00:50:46,751
I will say this for him.

785
00:50:48,086 --> 00:50:49,920
And he has got twirly hair.

786
00:50:51,089 --> 00:50:54,425
But you do get the whole of him,

787
00:50:55,510 --> 00:50:58,345
now, to stroke.

788
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,100
There's nobody else.

789
00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:25,324
♪ Roll me over in the clover

790
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:32,963
♪ Roll me over, lay
me down and do it again

791
00:51:34,883 --> 00:51:36,300
♪ When she's... ♪

792
00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:37,510
(SlNGlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)

793
00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:02,660
- All right, Sergeant, let's just check your ruler.
- That's, uh...

794
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:04,495
- 22 inches, sir.
- Carry on.

795
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:05,830
Thank you.

796
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:09,333
Head, 22 inches.

797
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:11,168
Ah, taking my measurements!

798
00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:14,713
Chest, 22 inches.

799
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:18,175
That's right. That's the
hammer. Get it all down, eh!

800
00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,468
Inside leg,

801
00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:23,848
- 22 inches, sir.
- You're right.

802
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,183
Right, sir. We'll let you know.

803
00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:28,144
Thank you very much, thank you.

804
00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:30,146
Ah! There are my children!

805
00:52:30,647 --> 00:52:31,689
Hello, Daddy!

806
00:52:32,190 --> 00:52:35,901
You won't want their measurements,
of course, they're a bit young.

807
00:52:36,027 --> 00:52:38,863
My word! What a hairy trunk!

808
00:52:39,990 --> 00:52:41,031
(CHUCKLlNG)

809
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,075
Keep moving.

810
00:52:45,745 --> 00:52:47,371
You going to let me know, then?

811
00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:50,040
Uh, who are you?

812
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:51,750
They are.

813
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:54,237
I must say, they seemed rather
impressed with my inside leg.

814
00:52:54,671 --> 00:52:56,547
Excuse me, sir, but
it was a 22, wasn't it?

815
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,424
- Yes, I believe it was.
- I say!

816
00:52:58,550 --> 00:53:00,718
Not many of them left, you know.

817
00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:02,261
Like to shake you by the hand.

818
00:53:02,387 --> 00:53:04,930
Yeah, I would, but
not until I've referred it

819
00:53:05,056 --> 00:53:06,776
- to the Ministry of Health.
- Quite, quite.

820
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:08,350
Can't be too careful.

821
00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:09,518
You in business, then?

822
00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:11,020
- Hmm?
- Looking for a partner?

823
00:53:11,062 --> 00:53:12,229
No, I am a partner.

824
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:14,857
Of course. Who is your partner?

825
00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:17,109
I don't need one, I'm just
Partner and Company.

826
00:53:17,235 --> 00:53:20,404
I say, uh, is that
your daughter?

827
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:22,907
I say, it is.
Chubby little thing.

828
00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:25,075
- Well-built young girl.
- Thank you.

829
00:53:25,702 --> 00:53:28,871
Been going on for some time?

830
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:31,874
- Eighteen months.
- Eight... lndeed, indeed!

831
00:53:32,584 --> 00:53:34,710
(CLEARlNG THROAT)
Well, I'd like your permission to

832
00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:36,879
call upon your daughter.

833
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,090
Often. Starting now.

834
00:54:20,298 --> 00:54:21,423
No.

835
00:54:21,466 --> 00:54:24,426
I'd like a bit more
off here, for courting.

836
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:36,647
Ah! Ah, yes,
that's much better.

837
00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:40,693
I'm not one of your hippie types, you
know. Such as that never won fair lady.

838
00:54:40,819 --> 00:54:43,112
- Anything else, sir?
- Mmm?

839
00:54:59,379 --> 00:55:00,546
(BALLOON POPS)

840
00:55:05,635 --> 00:55:07,386
But Daddy, I love Alan.

841
00:55:08,013 --> 00:55:10,848
(CHUCKLlNG) Love?
Love is a four-letter word.

842
00:55:10,890 --> 00:55:12,349
Come to that, so is bull.

843
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:14,810
Cat is a three-letter word.

844
00:55:14,853 --> 00:55:16,061
(CHUCKLlNG) Right.

845
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,023
You're going to make
a famous son-in-law.

846
00:55:19,524 --> 00:55:20,983
Been my ambition for years.

847
00:55:22,193 --> 00:55:23,527
(CLEARlNG THROAT) Uh...

848
00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:33,370
Now, look here, Mr Frereton!

849
00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:36,040
You can't arrange this thing
over our heads, you know.

850
00:55:36,082 --> 00:55:37,166
Can't I?

851
00:55:37,208 --> 00:55:39,969
Captain Bules Martin is a man of
subsidence and property, if not more.

852
00:55:40,253 --> 00:55:41,587
Moreover, he's a partner.

853
00:55:42,422 --> 00:55:45,215
A very fitting son-in-law
for a future Prime Minister.

854
00:55:46,051 --> 00:55:47,384
Who is?

855
00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:48,594
I am.

856
00:55:48,720 --> 00:55:52,056
You don't imagine they gathered
my measurements for nothing, do you?

857
00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:55,392
Show me a 22 inside leg and I'll
show you a future Prime Minister.

858
00:55:55,518 --> 00:55:57,227
It's a well-known fact.

859
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,605
I expect Mrs. Ethel Shroake

860
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,441
to consider my
credentials any day now.

861
00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:06,070
That trunk of
yours, get rid of it.

862
00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:09,406
This is not my trunk.

863
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:13,285
He tied his thumbs up with string
and exposed himself for a limited period

864
00:56:13,411 --> 00:56:15,454
between Bagshot and Camberley.

865
00:56:15,580 --> 00:56:17,081
Was that you, sir?

866
00:56:18,124 --> 00:56:19,958
A post-war gesture, I suppose.

867
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:22,294
I hope you destroyed the string.

868
00:57:25,150 --> 00:57:28,152
Get out of it! Shoo! Get out!

869
00:57:30,321 --> 00:57:31,822
Clear out!

870
00:57:33,158 --> 00:57:34,366
Naughty...!

871
00:57:58,850 --> 00:57:59,892
(GRUNTS)

872
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:03,562
I love St Paul's, you know.

873
00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:06,565
Dearly love us to
be married here.

874
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,026
Ah! Vicar!

875
00:58:10,528 --> 00:58:12,988
May be requiring
your services soon.

876
00:58:14,032 --> 00:58:15,365
My fiancée and I.

877
00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:16,825
(CHUCKLES)

878
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:18,535
(CHUCKLlNG) I'm not surprised.

879
00:58:19,078 --> 00:58:23,707
I wouldn't leave it too long, if I were
you. Chubby little thing, isn't she?

880
00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,838
My patient, you know.

881
00:58:31,007 --> 00:58:32,216
Well, if you'll excuse me,

882
00:58:32,342 --> 00:58:36,178
I'll just go in for a minute
and get spruced up a bit.

883
00:58:43,353 --> 00:58:44,686
I can't go through with it.

884
00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:46,396
What?

885
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:49,107
Having this monster.

886
00:58:53,112 --> 00:58:55,239
Well, no one else
can have it, can they?

887
00:59:23,101 --> 00:59:24,935
- Then it must be?
- It must be.

888
00:59:26,771 --> 00:59:29,106
Well, I'll just slip into
an old wedding dress.

889
00:59:29,148 --> 00:59:30,941
No, no, wait a minute, darling.

890
00:59:32,944 --> 00:59:34,611
Go behind the screen.

891
00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:37,281
Oh, really, darling, you've
watched a lady undress

892
00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:38,657
before today, haven't you?

893
00:59:38,783 --> 00:59:40,450
(CHUCKLlNG) Of course, darling.

894
00:59:40,618 --> 00:59:43,120
I'll go behind the
screen with you.

895
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:49,960
I wish Mother could
have been alive to see it.

896
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:51,295
(SNlFFLlNG)

897
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:54,006
Uh, just a thought.

898
00:59:54,966 --> 00:59:59,469
Have you considered the new economical
combined marriage and divorce ceremony?

899
00:59:59,512 --> 01:00:02,306
Three pounds one
shilling. Catholics extra.

900
01:00:02,682 --> 01:00:05,309
No, no, we couldn't
afford the divorce just now.

901
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:07,311
She'll have to be
satisfied with the wedding.

902
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:10,147
Later on, of course, when I'm
earning, then we can get the annulment.

903
01:00:10,273 --> 01:00:12,482
Uh, this is the
instant God kit, sir.

904
01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:14,484
Good luck.

905
01:00:16,529 --> 01:00:18,113
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

906
01:00:26,122 --> 01:00:28,332
Alley-up there.

907
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:30,334
Would you join hands, please?

908
01:00:31,502 --> 01:00:33,545
Good, good.

909
01:00:33,671 --> 01:00:35,005
And now for a good book.

910
01:00:38,009 --> 01:00:41,219
♪ Oh, and the naughty gamekeeper

911
01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:43,513
♪ Took her into the potting shed

912
01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:45,849
♪ And laid her upon the ground

913
01:00:45,892 --> 01:00:47,726
♪ And with hands
quivering, he ripped... ♪

914
01:00:47,852 --> 01:00:49,519
I say, look here,
that's not the Bible.

915
01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:51,063
I know, it's Lady
Chatterley's Lover.

916
01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:54,816
But if you prefer the old twit
version, I think I can still recall it.

917
01:00:56,736 --> 01:01:00,530
♪ Do you, Bules Martin, take this
girl to be your lawful wedded wife?

918
01:01:00,573 --> 01:01:02,333
♪ I was expecting you
to ask me that question

919
01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:03,992
♪ As it so happens, I do

920
01:01:04,744 --> 01:01:08,705
♪ And do you, Penelope, take this
lawful wedded man to be your husband?

921
01:01:08,831 --> 01:01:09,873
I do.

922
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:13,001
♪ And do you promise,
Penelope Rose Frereton

923
01:01:13,044 --> 01:01:15,754
♪ To cherish your husband
in sickness and in health

924
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:18,715
♪ In trial and in ordeal
and in all that holy... ♪

925
01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:20,008
(SQUEALlNG) I do!

926
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:22,011
I say, look here, there's
still some decency left.

927
01:01:22,035 --> 01:01:23,595
Come on, darling,
let's get out of here.

928
01:01:23,619 --> 01:01:24,303
Stop!

929
01:01:24,430 --> 01:01:26,223
Haven't finished, have we?

930
01:01:26,891 --> 01:01:30,686
I now pronounce
you man and wife.

931
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:34,523
On your mark, get set...

932
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:37,234
(FlRES)

933
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:46,785
Get out of my bedroom,
you Peeping Tom.

934
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:50,539
Ah! This ought to do the trick.

935
01:01:50,581 --> 01:01:52,541
You've got two hours, mate.

936
01:01:52,583 --> 01:01:54,418
- I won't need this, then, will I?
- No!

937
01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:58,880
My God! When was
my last virility test?

938
01:02:01,884 --> 01:02:03,260
(CLEARlNG THROAT)

939
01:02:04,053 --> 01:02:05,303
Congratulations, Mrs. Martin.

940
01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:07,431
I thought you'd never get here.

941
01:02:07,932 --> 01:02:09,266
(CHUCKLlNG)

942
01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:13,937
- Excuse me, sir. BBC Television.
- Yes?

943
01:02:16,315 --> 01:02:18,608
When did you first decide
to become a politician?

944
01:02:18,651 --> 01:02:20,944
(SQUAWKS SOFTLY, WHlSTLES)

945
01:02:21,738 --> 01:02:23,071
Did you get that?

946
01:02:23,114 --> 01:02:25,240
I'm afraid I didn't, sir.
Would you like to try again?

947
01:02:25,283 --> 01:02:27,451
It began when I measured
my inside leg one day,

948
01:02:27,577 --> 01:02:29,077
- as we all do.
- Mmm.

949
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,455
And I found that I was
very well-equipped.

950
01:02:36,002 --> 01:02:37,461
(PENELOPE GlGGLlNG)

951
01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:51,183
Good heavens! Penelope?

952
01:02:52,685 --> 01:02:54,019
Hello, Daddy.

953
01:02:54,145 --> 01:02:56,313
But you're promised to
Captain Bules Martin, you slut.

954
01:02:56,439 --> 01:02:57,981
Come down at once.

955
01:02:58,107 --> 01:02:59,691
I married him this
morning, Daddy.

956
01:02:59,817 --> 01:03:01,193
So you did.

957
01:03:01,319 --> 01:03:02,652
That's all right, then.

958
01:03:02,695 --> 01:03:03,862
Carry on.

959
01:03:10,953 --> 01:03:12,454
Wife sent you along, did she?

960
01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:15,352
Well, it did occur to me that I
might review the circumstances.

961
01:03:15,376 --> 01:03:16,958
Huh. You'll love it.

962
01:03:17,001 --> 01:03:19,711
Yeah, I can't keep away.

963
01:03:20,379 --> 01:03:21,939
You'll learn to love
your virility test.

964
01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:23,715
I've always had
a very good wind.

965
01:03:23,841 --> 01:03:25,175
Mmm, oh dear.

966
01:03:26,219 --> 01:03:28,637
- Who's wrong?
- Well, my wife...

967
01:03:28,721 --> 01:03:31,139
(CHUCKLlNG) She... Well...

968
01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:35,227
Oh!

969
01:03:35,353 --> 01:03:38,563
Best thing, uh, best thing to do
is talk dirty among yourselves.

970
01:03:38,689 --> 01:03:42,526
Well, if you can't come to that,
flick through the dirty books.

971
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:50,659
(SNlCKERlNG SOFTLY)

972
01:03:56,582 --> 01:03:57,666
(EXCLAlMS)

973
01:03:58,334 --> 01:03:59,376
Is it?

974
01:03:59,585 --> 01:04:01,211
- Is it?
- Due?

975
01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:03,338
- Due?
- I knew it.

976
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:05,549
- Ooh!
- Should have kept my socks on.

977
01:04:07,218 --> 01:04:08,343
(EXCLAlMlNG)

978
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:10,053
Look, never mind, my love.

979
01:04:10,388 --> 01:04:12,722
I'll nip downstairs and
get some boiling water.

980
01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:15,559
Come. Come on down.

981
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:16,685
(SQUEAKlNG)

982
01:04:16,727 --> 01:04:17,894
Come on, we'll just nip down.

983
01:04:22,108 --> 01:04:23,692
- Oh.
- Oh.

984
01:04:24,443 --> 01:04:26,862
(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

985
01:04:27,822 --> 01:04:29,197
(WHlSTLlNG)

986
01:04:30,074 --> 01:04:31,741
Pretty Poll. Pretty Poll!

987
01:04:47,425 --> 01:04:50,510
Ah, did you pass
your virility test, son?

988
01:04:50,595 --> 01:04:52,846
I don't know. Hard to tell.

989
01:04:53,264 --> 01:04:55,265
You see, lights fused
at the critical moment.

990
01:04:55,850 --> 01:04:58,184
Where's my bride? She
should be able to tell.

991
01:04:58,269 --> 01:05:01,229
Sit down, son. Your
bride is in labour.

992
01:05:01,939 --> 01:05:03,523
Oh, God!

993
01:05:05,359 --> 01:05:07,777
Daddy, I need a drink.

994
01:05:09,030 --> 01:05:10,196
(CLlCKlNG TONGUE)

995
01:05:12,867 --> 01:05:13,950
What'll you have, old boy?

996
01:05:14,035 --> 01:05:16,912
I'll have a large, uh, water.

997
01:05:16,954 --> 01:05:18,204
With water?

998
01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:20,624
No, nothing with it.

999
01:05:20,750 --> 01:05:22,125
- Here you are.
- Good. Thanks.

1000
01:05:22,209 --> 01:05:23,543
A pleasure.

1001
01:05:23,628 --> 01:05:27,923
Well, I think I'll wander
along to the saloon car, bar.

1002
01:05:27,965 --> 01:05:30,300
Well, here we are again.

1003
01:05:30,426 --> 01:05:33,428
Another one for you?
Pleasure, old friend.

1004
01:05:34,555 --> 01:05:36,306
Oh, I knew.

1005
01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:40,310
As soon as I grasped the
test-tube firmly in my right hand.

1006
01:05:40,394 --> 01:05:42,729
None of your cheek
and impotence.

1007
01:05:42,813 --> 01:05:43,813
Cheek?

1008
01:05:43,940 --> 01:05:45,607
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1009
01:05:47,610 --> 01:05:49,653
- You'll like it, I think.
- Thank you.

1010
01:05:49,779 --> 01:05:51,321
Jolly good health.

1011
01:05:51,447 --> 01:05:52,781
(SlNGlNG)

1012
01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:54,115
Oh.

1013
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:09,506
Evening.

1014
01:06:10,591 --> 01:06:11,925
We're looking for a man.

1015
01:06:12,009 --> 01:06:13,802
Are you indeed, lnspector?

1016
01:06:13,844 --> 01:06:16,513
There aren't many
of us left, you know.

1017
01:06:16,597 --> 01:06:18,098
(ALL LAUGHlNG)

1018
01:06:19,642 --> 01:06:21,518
We're also looking
for a bed sitting room.

1019
01:06:21,602 --> 01:06:23,353
Aren't we all?

1020
01:06:23,479 --> 01:06:24,771
True. True.

1021
01:06:25,856 --> 01:06:29,150
We're on the trail of a
foul and grisly murder.

1022
01:06:29,193 --> 01:06:32,445
I say, isn't that the first,
uh, post-war murder?

1023
01:06:32,530 --> 01:06:34,489
Things are looking up
for you in popular fiction.

1024
01:06:34,532 --> 01:06:36,658
Yes, we've had a pretty
thin time of it recently.

1025
01:06:36,701 --> 01:06:37,784
Yes.

1026
01:06:37,868 --> 01:06:39,035
What with 40 million dead,

1027
01:06:39,161 --> 01:06:41,161
we haven't been able to
see the wood for the trees.

1028
01:06:41,185 --> 01:06:42,622
Yes, quite.

1029
01:06:42,707 --> 01:06:45,458
But this is murder, not glory.

1030
01:06:46,210 --> 01:06:47,460
How do you do?

1031
01:06:47,545 --> 01:06:49,004
(SQUAWKS)

1032
01:06:51,215 --> 01:06:55,802
We are also looking for a trunk, if the
lnspector doesn't mind me saying so.

1033
01:06:55,886 --> 01:07:00,390
And when we find it, we shall
know why we're looking for it.

1034
01:07:03,978 --> 01:07:05,311
(WHlSTLES)

1035
01:07:06,897 --> 01:07:08,690
ALAN: Penelope!

1036
01:07:10,067 --> 01:07:18,067
Penelope!

1037
01:07:20,828 --> 01:07:22,245
Penelope...

1038
01:07:22,997 --> 01:07:25,206
Relax, dearie.
She's doing very well.

1039
01:07:25,249 --> 01:07:28,501
Would you like to see the birth?
We've still got a few tickets left.

1040
01:07:28,586 --> 01:07:31,004
Let me go! She needs me!

1041
01:07:31,088 --> 01:07:32,172
No.

1042
01:07:32,256 --> 01:07:35,258
What she has need
of is medical science.

1043
01:07:35,342 --> 01:07:36,843
(PENELOPE SCREAMlNG)

1044
01:07:42,933 --> 01:07:44,392
MOTHER: Father?

1045
01:07:47,021 --> 01:07:51,024
Oh! Are you that bloke what
ordered the Van Gogh painting?

1046
01:07:51,108 --> 01:07:54,444
I am, I am. Hang it up there.

1047
01:07:57,281 --> 01:07:59,240
I think it might do
better on the wall.

1048
01:07:59,283 --> 01:08:02,118
I wish you'd make
your bleeding mind up.

1049
01:08:03,954 --> 01:08:07,123
Is your name Frereton?

1050
01:08:07,208 --> 01:08:09,209
No. It's not.

1051
01:08:09,293 --> 01:08:10,627
Never!

1052
01:08:10,711 --> 01:08:12,796
- That is the man you want.
- Never!

1053
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:16,382
Only it's, uh, it's his
turn to be Prime Minister.

1054
01:08:17,885 --> 01:08:19,969
I know. I know.

1055
01:08:20,096 --> 01:08:23,139
I always knew my inside
leg would lead to power.

1056
01:08:23,265 --> 01:08:27,060
Dear Martin... Bules,
give me a hand, will you?

1057
01:08:27,144 --> 01:08:31,064
And get rid of my old togs, which
I shall not need as Prime Minister.

1058
01:08:33,275 --> 01:08:34,567
(WHlSTLES)

1059
01:08:36,946 --> 01:08:38,988
(STRAlNlNG)

1060
01:08:42,827 --> 01:08:44,911
Martin, what about
down there, eh?

1061
01:08:44,995 --> 01:08:46,412
Huh?

1062
01:08:53,921 --> 01:08:55,171
(WATER SPLASHES)

1063
01:08:55,756 --> 01:08:56,840
Ah.

1064
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,178
(GRUNTS)

1065
01:09:09,854 --> 01:09:11,146
(GROANS)

1066
01:09:17,278 --> 01:09:18,987
(GRUNTlNG)

1067
01:09:24,451 --> 01:09:26,661
(EXCLAlMlNG)

1068
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:28,496
MAN: Oh, fire, fire!

1069
01:09:29,039 --> 01:09:30,165
Fire!

1070
01:09:30,207 --> 01:09:33,126
- Did you say something?
- What? Me? No.

1071
01:09:33,210 --> 01:09:34,377
Fire!

1072
01:09:34,461 --> 01:09:36,857
All right, Sergeant, nip down and
see what that fire's about, would you?

1073
01:09:36,881 --> 01:09:38,715
I was just going to
do so, actually, sir.

1074
01:09:38,799 --> 01:09:40,599
Can't have fires around
this time of the year.

1075
01:09:40,623 --> 01:09:41,634
Very well put, sir.

1076
01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:42,844
Down you go, then, Sergeant.

1077
01:09:42,887 --> 01:09:44,807
Right. Could you lower
the balloon a little, sir?

1078
01:09:44,831 --> 01:09:47,165
- Doing me best.
- Thank you.

1079
01:09:48,225 --> 01:09:50,393
(GRUNTS) Oh, my bloody leg!

1080
01:09:50,519 --> 01:09:52,187
Never mind about
your bloody leg!

1081
01:09:52,229 --> 01:09:54,522
Look at me, I'm drifting
! Grab hold of the rope!

1082
01:09:54,565 --> 01:09:57,233
Grab hold of the rope,
Constable. Sir's drifting.

1083
01:09:57,318 --> 01:10:00,695
Sir's more than
drifting! Sir's away!

1084
01:10:00,738 --> 01:10:02,488
LNSPECTOR: Grab the anchor!

1085
01:10:02,573 --> 01:10:06,576
I didn't join the force just to
drift aimlessly into the void!

1086
01:10:06,702 --> 01:10:09,245
Right, sir! Hold on, sir, we'll
soon have you out of trouble!

1087
01:10:09,330 --> 01:10:10,663
Grab the anchor!

1088
01:10:10,748 --> 01:10:12,828
I've got hold of it, sir.
Everything's under control!

1089
01:10:12,852 --> 01:10:16,252
Oh, my God! Pull
me down, Sergeant!

1090
01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:17,587
I will, sir!

1091
01:10:17,671 --> 01:10:20,089
Use your weight and
gravity. I'll come and help you!

1092
01:10:20,174 --> 01:10:22,675
I haven't got much
gravity left, sir!

1093
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:26,679
LNSPECTOR: What a lovely
dome that is. Wren, isn't it?

1094
01:10:26,764 --> 01:10:29,599
No, it's not rain, sir.
It looks a bit cloudy,

1095
01:10:29,725 --> 01:10:32,518
but I don't think we're
in for any rain. Sorry, sir.

1096
01:10:32,603 --> 01:10:34,963
Ever thought of dropping off
the balloon suddenly, Sergeant?

1097
01:10:35,022 --> 01:10:36,064
(PENELOPE GRUNTS)

1098
01:10:36,106 --> 01:10:37,273
We have this new system.

1099
01:10:37,358 --> 01:10:40,360
Instead of moving the baby
out, we move the furniture in.

1100
01:10:40,444 --> 01:10:41,444
(PENELOPE GRUNTS)

1101
01:10:41,570 --> 01:10:42,612
Excuse me.

1102
01:10:42,738 --> 01:10:44,697
What are you doing to my Penny?

1103
01:10:44,782 --> 01:10:46,282
We should all ask ourselves,

1104
01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:49,369
is it really necessary for people
to leave the womb nowadays?

1105
01:10:49,453 --> 01:10:52,133
That's when most of the trouble
seems to start in this wicked world.

1106
01:10:52,248 --> 01:10:54,249
(PENELOPE GROANlNG)

1107
01:10:55,459 --> 01:10:57,377
My God, it's monstrous!

1108
01:10:57,461 --> 01:11:00,088
It may well be, but you must be
prepared to love your monster.

1109
01:11:00,130 --> 01:11:02,465
Oh, we have some
medicated wallpaper here.

1110
01:11:02,549 --> 01:11:05,468
Perhaps you'd like to chose
a pattern to suit your womb.

1111
01:11:05,552 --> 01:11:07,053
(HlGH-PlTCHED SQUEALlNG)

1112
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:12,600
Ah.

1113
01:11:19,566 --> 01:11:22,986
Then, in come the three
bears. And Daddy Bear said,

1114
01:11:23,070 --> 01:11:25,321
"Who's been sleeping
in my porridge?"

1115
01:11:25,406 --> 01:11:26,990
And the Mama Bear said,

1116
01:11:27,074 --> 01:11:29,909
"That's no porridge.
That was my wife."

1117
01:11:31,328 --> 01:11:34,122
Waste of time telling
bleeding chinks...

1118
01:11:34,164 --> 01:11:36,332
There were three pandas, see?

1119
01:11:36,417 --> 01:11:37,500
Ah!

1120
01:11:37,584 --> 01:11:38,626
Sergeant!

1121
01:11:38,669 --> 01:11:39,919
Sir!

1122
01:11:40,004 --> 01:11:42,171
Quick, man, they're
coming over the wire.

1123
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:47,260
Where, sir? I can see
no one whatever, sir.

1124
01:11:47,344 --> 01:11:50,179
Put these glasses to
your eyes, you idiot!

1125
01:11:53,934 --> 01:11:56,352
No, sir. Duff information, sir.

1126
01:11:56,478 --> 01:11:59,355
I can see nothing whatever, sir.
Nothing untoward to report, sir.

1127
01:11:59,481 --> 01:12:01,024
- No sign of the enemy, sir.
- Here.

1128
01:12:01,150 --> 01:12:02,275
(EXCLAlMS)

1129
01:12:02,359 --> 01:12:03,776
Are you the bloke, uh, officer,

1130
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:07,363
what was in charge of the nuclear
detergent in the last atomic war?

1131
01:12:07,448 --> 01:12:08,531
I am he.

1132
01:12:08,657 --> 01:12:12,827
Bad news. It has been
returned to sender.

1133
01:12:12,870 --> 01:12:15,496
And there's three and nine
to pay on it in Chinese dollars.

1134
01:12:15,539 --> 01:12:17,957
- Good heavens! We got a reply.
- I can't help that, mate.

1135
01:12:18,042 --> 01:12:20,362
You didn't reckon with the
chinky-poo post office, did you?

1136
01:12:20,386 --> 01:12:21,878
- Well, it's a bit late now.
- Yes.

1137
01:12:22,004 --> 01:12:25,798
Sixty-five million pounds it
cost to develop that bomb.

1138
01:12:25,883 --> 01:12:28,051
Pity about the three and nine.

1139
01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:31,012
We could have won, you
know. Damnable bad luck!

1140
01:12:55,162 --> 01:12:56,412
(HlGH-PlTCHED SQUEALlNG)

1141
01:12:56,538 --> 01:12:58,664
Dad will get a nice surprise.

1142
01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:01,918
- Dad!
- PARROT: Dad!

1143
01:13:03,921 --> 01:13:05,838
- Daddy?
- PARROT: Daddy?

1144
01:13:05,923 --> 01:13:08,257
- Dad?
- PARROT: Dad?

1145
01:13:14,056 --> 01:13:17,016
Sorry we're late home, Dad.

1146
01:13:17,101 --> 01:13:19,394
I had the baby.

1147
01:13:22,272 --> 01:13:24,440
Don't you think he
looks a bit like you, sir?

1148
01:13:24,525 --> 01:13:26,275
(HlGH-PlTCHED CRYlNG)

1149
01:13:40,749 --> 01:13:42,250
(YAWNS)

1150
01:13:46,463 --> 01:13:48,589
It's been a long day.

1151
01:13:57,891 --> 01:14:01,769
Oh.

1152
01:14:06,650 --> 01:14:08,484
Good night.

1153
01:14:17,494 --> 01:14:19,328
MOTHER: (GASPS) Rape!

1154
01:14:19,413 --> 01:14:22,081
LORD FORTNUM: Damn it, I
can hold my tongue no longer!

1155
01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,000
- What?
- How dare you, adulterer!

1156
01:14:24,126 --> 01:14:26,377
How dare you take advantage
of our feathered friend!

1157
01:14:26,462 --> 01:14:28,296
- Mummy!
- MOTHER: I'm so ashamed.

1158
01:14:28,380 --> 01:14:30,965
MOTHER: Compromised
internally in front of my own daughter.

1159
01:14:31,049 --> 01:14:32,383
Close my doors at once.

1160
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,308
- Can't we go into this in the morning? I'm all...
- Daddy, it's Mummy.

1161
01:14:35,332 --> 01:14:38,806
MOTHER: Very well,
Captain. But be gentle with me.

1162
01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:41,184
(CHUCKLES) Nighty-night.

1163
01:14:43,437 --> 01:14:44,729
Night-night, Mum.

1164
01:14:44,813 --> 01:14:46,814
MOTHER: Good night, dear.

1165
01:14:54,823 --> 01:14:56,824
Uh, good night, Dad.

1166
01:15:08,837 --> 01:15:10,004
MARTlN: No.

1167
01:15:11,340 --> 01:15:13,466
Nothing edible here.

1168
01:15:13,550 --> 01:15:18,346
You know, ever since they
dropped the, uh, you know,

1169
01:15:18,430 --> 01:15:20,848
woodworms have
become quite extinct.

1170
01:15:20,933 --> 01:15:22,975
Oh, really?

1171
01:15:23,060 --> 01:15:24,519
Very strange.

1172
01:15:25,687 --> 01:15:28,287
Perhaps it wasn't the Russians
and Americans who dropped it, then.

1173
01:15:28,311 --> 01:15:30,186
Perhaps it was Rentokil.

1174
01:15:31,151 --> 01:15:33,694
(CLANGlNG)

1175
01:15:33,779 --> 01:15:36,030
Dinner is served, Daddy-o.

1176
01:15:39,201 --> 01:15:40,368
Well...

1177
01:15:40,452 --> 01:15:43,579
Well, I don't know who
he is, but he's just in time.

1178
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:51,212
Well. Sit you down.

1179
01:15:59,137 --> 01:16:02,265
What? What is it,
darling? Chicken?

1180
01:16:02,349 --> 01:16:03,766
No, it's Daddy.

1181
01:16:03,850 --> 01:16:08,104
Oh. Well, never mind.
Don't take it too hard.

1182
01:16:08,188 --> 01:16:11,899
We'll let his perch to another
bird, if we can find one.

1183
01:16:11,984 --> 01:16:13,568
Be gentle, Bules.

1184
01:16:15,571 --> 01:16:19,156
How did this terrible
thing happen?

1185
01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,825
After his career in politics,

1186
01:16:20,909 --> 01:16:23,953
he said he wanted his
body to be left to science.

1187
01:16:24,037 --> 01:16:26,247
Then he threw
himself off his perch.

1188
01:16:26,748 --> 01:16:28,416
(SNlFFlNG)

1189
01:16:37,217 --> 01:16:38,301
Eh?

1190
01:16:43,098 --> 01:16:46,934
Here, what's that silly thing?

1191
01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:48,352
It's her father.

1192
01:16:48,437 --> 01:16:51,272
Father, eh? Ooh!
This'll mean a by-election.

1193
01:16:51,356 --> 01:16:53,190
Oh dear Lord!

1194
01:16:53,275 --> 01:16:54,483
(EXCLAlMS)

1195
01:16:54,568 --> 01:16:58,362
Cor, he tastes marvellous.
We've never had so good.

1196
01:17:16,757 --> 01:17:18,549
(GAGGlNG)

1197
01:18:01,301 --> 01:18:02,635
Oh.

1198
01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:05,680
I am moving.

1199
01:18:06,890 --> 01:18:08,349
(BARKS)

1200
01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:16,816
(WlND-UP SlREN STARTS)

1201
01:18:23,865 --> 01:18:26,033
Gas masks on!

1202
01:18:27,244 --> 01:18:29,954
Gas masks on! Hurry up.

1203
01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:35,000
Atomic bomb, radiation
rising! Hurry up!

1204
01:18:35,085 --> 01:18:38,629
Radiation rising. Masks on!

1205
01:18:38,714 --> 01:18:40,089
All your masks on!

1206
01:18:41,299 --> 01:18:43,718
My word, it's a good job
the Minister of Defence

1207
01:18:43,802 --> 01:18:47,012
had a sense of humour
when he invented these masks.

1208
01:18:47,097 --> 01:18:51,267
Mind you, I was thinking. I don't think
the human face fits the modern need.

1209
01:18:51,351 --> 01:18:52,893
- You don't?
- No.

1210
01:18:52,978 --> 01:18:56,480
If I had my way in the
hurly-burly of post-atomic living,

1211
01:18:56,565 --> 01:18:59,233
I'd have a bloke's
mouth on top of his nut.

1212
01:18:59,317 --> 01:19:01,152
You see, then when
he's late for work

1213
01:19:01,236 --> 01:19:03,696
all he has to do is slide
his breakfast under his hat

1214
01:19:03,780 --> 01:19:05,406
and eat it on the
way to the office.

1215
01:19:05,490 --> 01:19:06,907
Huh?

1216
01:19:08,618 --> 01:19:11,203
Do you think we've
come to the end of it all?

1217
01:19:12,038 --> 01:19:14,790
(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.

1218
01:19:17,294 --> 01:19:18,419
Nah.

1219
01:19:18,503 --> 01:19:20,921
(SlREN STARTS)

1220
01:19:24,468 --> 01:19:27,636
MATE: Get your masks
on! Get your masks on!

1221
01:19:27,763 --> 01:19:30,806
Get your masks on! Atomic bomb!

1222
01:19:39,941 --> 01:19:42,443
Oh, please, God, not again.

1223
01:19:48,658 --> 01:19:49,784
(COUGHlNG)

1224
01:19:49,868 --> 01:19:51,452
Bloody fog.

1225
01:19:52,913 --> 01:19:54,121
What's to become of us now?

1226
01:19:54,206 --> 01:19:56,123
Well, we'll just
have to keep going.

1227
01:19:56,208 --> 01:19:57,750
What for?

1228
01:19:57,834 --> 01:19:59,668
Because we're British.

1229
01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:01,170
British?

1230
01:20:01,254 --> 01:20:06,217
Well, what a lot of use that is. We
don't even know who's won the war.

1231
01:20:06,301 --> 01:20:11,055
We've run out of food. No
medicine. We're eating our parents.

1232
01:20:11,139 --> 01:20:12,556
British!

1233
01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:16,268
(BABY SQUEALlNG)

1234
01:20:17,854 --> 01:20:20,147
MATE: And another
thing. if I had my way,

1235
01:20:20,232 --> 01:20:23,692
I'd have a bloke's genitals
on the end of his finger.

1236
01:20:23,777 --> 01:20:25,217
MARTlN: He'd wear
a glove, of course?

1237
01:20:25,241 --> 01:20:28,322
MATE: Oh, yes! You don't
want the frost to get at it, eh?

1238
01:20:28,406 --> 01:20:31,534
And you think how handy it
would be in them non-corridor trains.

1239
01:20:31,618 --> 01:20:33,658
He could waggle it out the
window then, couldn't he?

1240
01:20:33,682 --> 01:20:35,329
Where would you put
a woman's equivalent?

1241
01:20:35,413 --> 01:20:39,250
Well, I'd... I'd have that up
here on her shoulder. See?

1242
01:20:39,334 --> 01:20:41,961
- Oh?
- Then she couldn't get raped by, uh, midgets.

1243
01:20:42,045 --> 01:20:43,885
Supposing they stood
on each other's shoulders?

1244
01:20:43,909 --> 01:20:46,423
No! lt'd be easier
for her to kneel down.

1245
01:20:46,508 --> 01:20:48,384
Oh no, it wouldn't work.
Out of the question!

1246
01:20:48,468 --> 01:20:50,511
- How do you mean?
- Picture to yourself.

1247
01:20:50,595 --> 01:20:57,059
Crowded train, a young man gets up
to give his seat to a young, pretty girl.

1248
01:20:57,143 --> 01:21:00,020
She doesn't notice
at first, and then...

1249
01:21:00,105 --> 01:21:02,773
"Excuse me, miss." Ah?

1250
01:21:02,858 --> 01:21:04,441
(LAUGHlNG)

1251
01:21:06,361 --> 01:21:07,862
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

1252
01:21:07,946 --> 01:21:09,530
Oh dear, indeed.

1253
01:21:09,614 --> 01:21:12,294
That would put the price of tickets
up on the Tube, wouldn't it, eh?

1254
01:21:12,318 --> 01:21:13,526
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1255
01:21:17,247 --> 01:21:19,039
(MARTlN AND MATE LAUGHlNG)

1256
01:21:23,044 --> 01:21:24,879
isn't it looking
a bit off to you?

1257
01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:27,214
Well, take him inside, then.

1258
01:21:27,299 --> 01:21:29,216
No-poking compartment.

1259
01:21:29,301 --> 01:21:31,343
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1260
01:21:31,428 --> 01:21:34,013
Ah, let's get in now,
dear. Blowing up foggy.

1261
01:21:34,764 --> 01:21:36,891
Here, here, here. Come here.

1262
01:21:36,975 --> 01:21:38,726
Turn round, darling.

1263
01:21:38,810 --> 01:21:40,185
What?

1264
01:21:40,270 --> 01:21:42,271
Pardon... Pardon me, miss.

1265
01:21:42,355 --> 01:21:43,814
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

1266
01:21:45,400 --> 01:21:47,109
(COUGHlNG)

1267
01:21:52,198 --> 01:21:53,949
Rubber?

1268
01:21:54,034 --> 01:21:55,618
Please go away.

1269
01:21:58,413 --> 01:22:00,748
It's rubber.

1270
01:22:00,916 --> 01:22:04,084
It's rubber! Rubber!

1271
01:22:04,961 --> 01:22:06,170
Gas.

1272
01:22:06,254 --> 01:22:08,797
This is a killer fog, all
right. Just like the old days.

1273
01:22:08,882 --> 01:22:10,299
Eh? isn't it, eh?

1274
01:22:10,383 --> 01:22:13,427
Hey! You'll enjoy this. It was
horrible how they were gassed.

1275
01:22:13,511 --> 01:22:19,475
(COUGHlNG)

1276
01:22:31,947 --> 01:22:33,364
Oh!

1277
01:22:33,448 --> 01:22:35,074
My baby!

1278
01:22:36,451 --> 01:22:38,118
My poor baby!

1279
01:22:38,912 --> 01:22:40,204
It's dead!

1280
01:22:41,581 --> 01:22:45,000
Now, look, darling, we all
know that Rupert was thing.

1281
01:22:45,085 --> 01:22:49,713
It was our thing. Ours!
We made it, Alan and I.

1282
01:22:50,840 --> 01:22:53,968
It was the only thing I ever
cared for in the whole world.

1283
01:22:57,013 --> 01:23:00,099
Well, never mind, darling, we
might someday make another.

1284
01:23:01,309 --> 01:23:03,519
What a shame. What a shame.

1285
01:23:04,896 --> 01:23:09,775
Here. Here, darling, I'll drink that
silly, silly bottle of milk up for you.

1286
01:23:09,859 --> 01:23:11,819
MARTlN: That's right.

1287
01:23:11,903 --> 01:23:14,947
Hey! Look! He's
already got the hang of it.

1288
01:23:15,031 --> 01:23:17,992
Look, darling, why don't
we adopt this one? Mmm?

1289
01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:22,830
Here we are. There's his rattle.
Diddles want his rattle, then?

1290
01:23:22,914 --> 01:23:25,165
Diddles want his rattle?

1291
01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:26,709
Piss off!

1292
01:23:26,793 --> 01:23:30,087
Listen, darling, his
first words. "Piss off!"

1293
01:23:30,171 --> 01:23:31,505
Piss off.

1294
01:23:50,275 --> 01:23:52,818
Sergeant, I think we've found
what we've been looking for.

1295
01:23:52,902 --> 01:23:59,324
Proceed in orderly fashion towards target,
map reference 79, D-3 and remove same.

1296
01:24:00,368 --> 01:24:01,994
(COUGHlNG)

1297
01:24:02,078 --> 01:24:04,079
(BARKlNG)

1298
01:24:06,791 --> 01:24:09,376
PLASTlC MAC MAN:
The rubber! The rubber!

1299
01:24:09,461 --> 01:24:11,462
It is the end of us, my friends!

1300
01:24:11,546 --> 01:24:13,213
(LAUGHlNG)

1301
01:24:13,298 --> 01:24:16,800
Oh, yes! The end,
my friends, is in sight!

1302
01:24:17,719 --> 01:24:22,389
I carried little Rupert inside me for 17 months
rather than let him out into this wicked world.

1303
01:24:25,060 --> 01:24:28,896
Yes, my friend, rubber.
It is the end of us!

1304
01:24:29,064 --> 01:24:31,065
Stretch and repent!

1305
01:24:31,191 --> 01:24:34,485
It's because of the rubber,
stretching his way around the world.

1306
01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:36,361
Run, brothers, run!

1307
01:24:36,446 --> 01:24:39,198
The rubber will get
you wherever you hide!

1308
01:24:39,282 --> 01:24:41,241
The rubber is come.

1309
01:24:41,326 --> 01:24:43,911
Stretch, brothers, and repent!

1310
01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:49,083
We've provoked the
hand and the foot,

1311
01:24:49,167 --> 01:24:53,087
and the elbow, and the
knees, and the teeth of God!

1312
01:24:53,171 --> 01:24:55,047
- Right, Sergeant.
- Stand by, men.

1313
01:24:55,131 --> 01:24:56,215
(BARKlNG)

1314
01:24:56,299 --> 01:25:00,052
That's why he dropped the bomb.

1315
01:25:00,553 --> 01:25:01,845
The bomb?

1316
01:25:01,930 --> 01:25:02,971
(STUTTERlNG) The bomb!

1317
01:25:03,056 --> 01:25:05,057
- The bomb.
- The bomb?

1318
01:25:05,141 --> 01:25:06,600
The bomb!

1319
01:25:06,684 --> 01:25:08,268
(CRASHlNG)

1320
01:25:08,603 --> 01:25:10,604
(ALL SHOUTlNG)

1321
01:25:13,650 --> 01:25:14,691
Stop!

1322
01:25:15,860 --> 01:25:17,236
Dear God!

1323
01:25:17,529 --> 01:25:19,154
That's the fellow!

1324
01:25:20,281 --> 01:25:23,117
Stretch and repent
all your wicked ways!

1325
01:25:23,201 --> 01:25:25,828
Follow me and ye shall be saved!

1326
01:25:26,913 --> 01:25:29,373
Run, brothers, run!

1327
01:25:29,707 --> 01:25:32,835
We can all stretch and repent!

1328
01:25:33,711 --> 01:25:37,881
LORD FORTNUM: Stop! Stop!
Stop in the name of the Lord!

1329
01:25:38,800 --> 01:25:43,470
Here, it's God! It's God.
He's come back on us.

1330
01:25:43,888 --> 01:25:45,556
Good old God, mate.

1331
01:25:45,723 --> 01:25:48,642
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

1332
01:25:49,144 --> 01:25:50,978
He's a Socialist, you know.

1333
01:25:51,062 --> 01:25:53,480
LORD FORTNUM:
Quiet, Labour scum!

1334
01:25:53,648 --> 01:25:55,190
What?

1335
01:25:55,275 --> 01:25:58,527
He's... He's a
bleeding Conservative.

1336
01:25:58,611 --> 01:26:00,737
Here, hold hard a minute,
you don't sound like God,

1337
01:26:00,822 --> 01:26:02,156
you sound like Lord Fortnum.

1338
01:26:02,240 --> 01:26:04,533
LORD FORTNUM: I
also do impressions.

1339
01:26:04,617 --> 01:26:08,662
Save us, Lord God, from the
dreadful death by radiation.

1340
01:26:08,830 --> 01:26:10,247
Save us, oh, God,

1341
01:26:10,373 --> 01:26:13,709
from the temptations and
perversions of the rubber.

1342
01:26:13,793 --> 01:26:17,212
Save me and I'll give up
being an atheist, Goddy.

1343
01:26:17,297 --> 01:26:19,590
God, give me back my baby.

1344
01:26:20,466 --> 01:26:23,218
LORD FORTNUM: (STAMMERlNG)
Yes, well, uh, yes indeed!

1345
01:26:23,303 --> 01:26:26,597
In the fullness of time
we'll see what we can do.

1346
01:26:27,056 --> 01:26:28,557
Good, now well, um...

1347
01:26:28,641 --> 01:26:32,394
That's not God, that's Lord Fortnum,
the well-known bed sitting room.

1348
01:26:32,937 --> 01:26:34,521
What? What? Lies!

1349
01:26:34,606 --> 01:26:36,315
LNSPECTOR:
Captain Bules Martin!

1350
01:26:36,733 --> 01:26:38,609
That's God, I
recognise the voice.

1351
01:26:39,736 --> 01:26:43,405
A large brown substance
has come to our attention.

1352
01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:56,960
Bules, darling! Say something!

1353
01:26:57,420 --> 01:27:00,505
My God, Nigel! And alive!

1354
01:27:01,090 --> 01:27:03,926
You left me on a
left luggage rack.

1355
01:27:04,010 --> 01:27:06,762
There's seventeen pounds
seven shillings to pay, Bules Martin.

1356
01:27:06,804 --> 01:27:09,431
But apart from that, there are
no further charges against you.

1357
01:27:09,515 --> 01:27:13,310
Provided that you have the immediate
funds about your person, that is.

1358
01:27:13,436 --> 01:27:14,603
It is.

1359
01:27:15,313 --> 01:27:16,772
Is it?

1360
01:27:16,814 --> 01:27:19,775
- Another.
- Due?

1361
01:27:20,443 --> 01:27:23,779
I knew there was something in
there. I'm going to be another mummy.

1362
01:27:24,030 --> 01:27:27,950
I expect you may be wondering why
I've invited you all here this afternoon.

1363
01:27:28,284 --> 01:27:30,285
I've just come from an
audience with Her Majesty,

1364
01:27:30,328 --> 01:27:31,954
Mrs. Ethel Shroake.

1365
01:27:32,121 --> 01:27:35,165
And I'm empowered by her
to tell you that in the future,

1366
01:27:35,291 --> 01:27:39,628
clouds of poisonous nuclear
fog will no longer be necessary.

1367
01:27:40,004 --> 01:27:42,506
Mutations will cease sine die.

1368
01:27:42,632 --> 01:27:45,634
And furthermore, I'm
the bringer of glad tidings.

1369
01:27:46,511 --> 01:27:48,804
A team of surgeons at
the Woolwich Hospital

1370
01:27:48,888 --> 01:27:53,809
have just accomplished the world's
first successful complete body transplant.

1371
01:27:54,477 --> 01:27:57,187
The donor was the entire
population of South Wales

1372
01:27:57,313 --> 01:28:00,065
and the new body is
functioning normally.

1373
01:28:00,483 --> 01:28:04,486
I myself saw it sit up in bed,
wink and ask for a glass of beer.

1374
01:28:04,988 --> 01:28:10,158
All in all, I think we're in for a time
of peace, prosperity and stability,

1375
01:28:10,326 --> 01:28:15,539
when the earth will burgeon forth
anew, the lion will lie down with the lamb,

1376
01:28:15,665 --> 01:28:18,500
and the goat give
suck to the tiny bee.

1377
01:28:18,835 --> 01:28:21,003
At times of great
national emergency,

1378
01:28:21,087 --> 01:28:24,381
you'll often find that a new
leader tends to emerge.

1379
01:28:24,882 --> 01:28:27,676
Here I am. So watch it.

1380
01:28:28,511 --> 01:28:31,346
Keep moving,
everybody. That's the spirit.

1381
01:28:31,431 --> 01:28:33,181
Keep moving!

1382
01:28:55,038 --> 01:28:56,788
Come on, Sergeant.

1383
01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:59,374
Come on. Come on,
Sarge. Come on, then.

1384
01:28:59,459 --> 01:29:02,127
Come on. You can come
with us then, Sergeant.

1385
01:29:02,211 --> 01:29:06,131
This is BBC Television. I
have great news for the country.

1386
01:29:06,215 --> 01:29:08,925
Great Britain is a first-class
nuclear power again.

1387
01:29:10,386 --> 01:29:11,720
(lNAUDlBLE)

1388
01:29:33,618 --> 01:29:37,245
♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

1389
01:29:37,330 --> 01:29:41,416
♪ Long Iive Mrs. Ethel Shroake

1390
01:29:41,459 --> 01:29:45,295
♪ God save Mrs. Ethel Shroake

1391
01:29:45,421 --> 01:29:49,591
♪ Of 393A High
Street, Leytonstone ♪

1392
01:29:50,927 --> 01:29:51,927
THE BBC: Good night.